Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Past---The Present---The Future; Part 3

Dear Reader; For your beneficial Viewing, Please consult Part1 and Part2 before beginning......

I am scared to break with my past, especially my trauma. It has played a major part in my life and has served its purpose well. But it only brings me pain now in its resurfacing//re-petition. I have embraced it and now I must let it go, release it. I wonder how it will effect my relationships. I'm sure that those which are built around multiple experiences//especially Joyous ones and not just trauma, will certaintly last.

I also fear the active and aware selection of programming my new reality. The thing about Trauma and Drama is that they are Not Boring, and can be quite stimulating....much like a drug. What will replace them? What will satisfy such a voracious appetite? // I will also have to recognize and accept all my past choices in order to release them.//

I have spent my entire life practicing the art of letting go. Family, health, hate; Ideas of duality, fixed Ideas of what defines Reality, Religion, fixed ideas of language, the ways In which I process Information, Fear, Attachment, my ideas and definitions of truth, fixed ideas of structure and heirarchy, Control, Resistance, my fixed ideas of "time"//people//the universe, friendships,romantic relationships,responsibility,expectation, perfection, a fixed Idea of who I am and what I supposed to do with my "life."

Everything remains suspended as a bridge between my head and my heart.  Now I find myself tearing through "Karma", and Multiple levels of Programming. Ugh., it's enough energy to power a small nuclear plant, for Realz. It is a Neverending process of release and refill as the ocean tides move in and out; constantly shifting the shoreline.

I am so tired, and am so excited for completion of this phase. I feel like this is worth more than my entire 6 years of college education.

I need to remember that I can consult my future self at any moment. As I can also consult my child self, who is brimming over with wisdom and laughter. My future self will probably laugh and tell me "You're fine, you're gonna be better than fine." While my younger self sits on the other side of me giggling........


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