Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Past---The Present---The Future; Part 3

Dear Reader; For your beneficial Viewing, Please consult Part1 and Part2 before beginning......

I am scared to break with my past, especially my trauma. It has played a major part in my life and has served its purpose well. But it only brings me pain now in its resurfacing//re-petition. I have embraced it and now I must let it go, release it. I wonder how it will effect my relationships. I'm sure that those which are built around multiple experiences//especially Joyous ones and not just trauma, will certaintly last.

I also fear the active and aware selection of programming my new reality. The thing about Trauma and Drama is that they are Not Boring, and can be quite stimulating....much like a drug. What will replace them? What will satisfy such a voracious appetite? // I will also have to recognize and accept all my past choices in order to release them.//

I have spent my entire life practicing the art of letting go. Family, health, hate; Ideas of duality, fixed Ideas of what defines Reality, Religion, fixed ideas of language, the ways In which I process Information, Fear, Attachment, my ideas and definitions of truth, fixed ideas of structure and heirarchy, Control, Resistance, my fixed ideas of "time"//people//the universe, friendships,romantic relationships,responsibility,expectation, perfection, a fixed Idea of who I am and what I supposed to do with my "life."

Everything remains suspended as a bridge between my head and my heart.  Now I find myself tearing through "Karma", and Multiple levels of Programming. Ugh., it's enough energy to power a small nuclear plant, for Realz. It is a Neverending process of release and refill as the ocean tides move in and out; constantly shifting the shoreline.

I am so tired, and am so excited for completion of this phase. I feel like this is worth more than my entire 6 years of college education.

I need to remember that I can consult my future self at any moment. As I can also consult my child self, who is brimming over with wisdom and laughter. My future self will probably laugh and tell me "You're fine, you're gonna be better than fine." While my younger self sits on the other side of me giggling........


The Past---The Present---The Future; Part 2

Dear Reader; You will want to read Part 1 first........

I met someone recently, and I recognized immediatly what he represented for me. Still, with this awareness, I skipped forward with light feet, and danced those steps again; though slightly different. I haven't danced those steps since I was a child; as he so closely in my mind, reminded me of my brother. But he is not the brother I imagined in my minds eye, though he is in some respects, A Brother. Repetition can be ruthless, but at least this was fun and heartfelt. Even if its shelflife expiration falls short of what I'd hope for. Just as I'm sure I will someday talk to my blood brother again. Of course, I dare not attach myself to either picture//expectation.

As for my future; there are infinite possibilities I'm sure, and I'm probably testing them out in other dimensions//universes' as I write this. I'm probably meeting up with myself on the astral plane to talk//mull over the options with my multiple selves. Especially with my attitude of "Test everything before you commit." I like sneak previews; what can I say.

When we fall in love, we fall in love with the information that we associate with love//connection. When we connect we connect over the information that we use to define our Selves and our Realities. Whether its trauma, family, art, music, travel, the occult, fun, laughter, nature, etc etc, the possiblities are endless and infinite.

It's all programming. That sounds so cold, harsh, and distant, doesn't it? It doesn't have to be. You select the vibration of all that programming too. And you can over//rewrite it just the same.
We can choose the ways in which we connect; we can choose the ways we define our realities and our selves. It is hard for me to even type these words, as I can feel the past and all my programming clinging and clawing away, because it knows its time is coming to an end. I will have to "die" temporarily to be "reborn."

Moving on......

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Past---The Present---The Future; Part 1

When I was 15, I had the pleasure of going away on a summer vacation with a group of teenagers throughout the midwest. We did it all; mountain climbing, horse back riding, hiking, camping, white water rafting...... When our summer came to a close we celebrated around a camp fire, probably eating smores and laughing with our group leaders. Our group leaders were so Awesome as to get each of us a thoughtful gift to remember that summer by, and as a way to honor our individual spirits, I believe.

I remember feeling totally unsure of what I would recieve, and waited in anticipation since I was last in line around the circle. I was taken aback when my leaders presented me with a simple elegant silver ring that consisted of three rings linked together to form one. They told me that it represented my past, my present, and my future. It was the sweetest gift ever, and very unlike any of the gifts anyone recieved that night. I knew they had thought long and hard about what to get me, as they both knew alot about my past; which was highly different than anyone else in our group that summer. I still own and cherish this ring.

I am currently discovering how they (my past, present, and future) all effect one another. They intermingle, dance, laugh over drinks at the same cocktail parties. They have coy inside jokes.  Like hahaha, Jill has no idea which of Us shes interacting with or utilizing right now, in this here situation. They are sneaky tricksters and I love them all.......to a point.

I try to escape my past, but it resurfaces. In the people I meet, the people I choose, the people I develop feelings for, the hobbies I have, my interests, everything.

My present has the most serene and calming effect, until I later discover that I was reenacting something from my past. //Silly Jill, trix are for kids.// Still, those moments were precious reenactments, and probably slightly different then their former expressions; as no play performed more than once is exactly the same. The angle of a light, the pitch of a characters voice, the pace of the lines spoken, the way the lace lies across the bodice. It is still just as beautiful as the first time, and just as Valuable; especially if you have the awareness of pattern recognition.

The future I believe can be rewritten If we rewire ourselves, erase our programming//rewrite our software. Don't get me wrong, the past serves a purpose; an important purpose. It helps shape you and teach you. But, like any relationship, it can outlive its service and necessity. Thats where we start repeating the habits that keep us static rather than propell us forward and initiate change.

Stay Tuned for Part Deux......